blue//purple//orange//green

patterns

2004-08-05T18:41:00.000+08:00

its a day before the national day celebrations.. and i relle dunno what to think. raging emotions, and i dunno. not exactly confusion, and yet, i feel an obscure sense of peace. its a peace of simplicity. like life just being so easy. i think i like keeping bz. i think i like sorting things out, and yet, i hate trying to ans questions tht i cant... or at least not for a long time. but finally i am at ease. and i am easing my way out of things. i rmb last time when i was upset, i played badminton and just for tht few hours, i forgot my troubles. now its the same, i am keeping myself bz, and yea i noe ur thinking tht i am running away. mebe i am. mebe i'm not. but as long as i am happy, i relle dun care:P

its nice to noe tht god is with me. hiax... and my life has moved into an odd sense of pattern and regularity. perhaps, this is what i wanted.

pattern.. thts a thought. somewhat like math. with an absolution, and a sense of security. perhaps i would need that from my next bf:)

hugs

2004-07-12T18:42:00.000+08:00

listening to the most beautiful musid. gods voice. after all, music alone was made for him.

memories,of the good times are comin back. so nice. smth tht i think i forced myself to block out for months.
sometimes i still wanna hug him. mebe it was becos of the memory of how he used to hug me. tht was nice. back then. it was relle nice.
but yea. i will find someone else to hug again. :p

memories

2004-07-12T18:36:00.000+08:00

argh.. kinda pissed. weirded out. so yah.
this time i am no longer confused, i noe what i am and all i want.
so why did i have to dream of him last nite.
and why did it have to be us together agn,
and i being so happy.
i dunno. i guess i relle love it.
i guess i was truly happy when we were happy tgt.
and these are like good memories tht hurt.
so weird. cos i noe i will nv get what i lost back.
and altho i still will find happiness,
i guess some things will nv be the same.
but anyway. i did some reminiscing yet agn.
it was still the same.
lovely.
memories.

random thoughts

2004-07-11T18:58:00.000+08:00

i have seemed to have grown up so much,
and yet when it comes to you
i feel like a little girl,
i dun understand this whole thing,
i know this,
and yet all i want to do is to cry in your arms,
so that i could finally understand
why.

but there never is any one,
to ans my questions.

i do not know if i have moved on.
but yet,
i think i have,
it scares me so much,
cos i dun wanna cling on.
00:54:04
25-05-2004

no i dun wanna hurt you in any ways,
and yet,
all i can feel is pure uneasiness,
i want the ans,
i know what i want,
and perhaps up till today,
i still want what we had.
but the again,
i dunno what i relle missed.
i dunno whether i can do w/o ur luv.
i think i can,
but yet i noe i cant,
its called confusion,
its called desire.
but is it love?

perhaps an even greater fear
is the fact
that you do not love me
as i do to you.
i dunno why it scares me
perhaps its cos i alr noe the ans,
you have stopped alr,
you have moved on,
and you dun need me.

i dun need you either,
but why then,
have you become like a crush all over agn.
it feels just that,
except tht crush is love.

00:53:18
25-05-2004

the circle

2004-06-28T17:17:00.000+08:00

i think i finally noe who to put in this curcle... GOd. i mean relle i love him.. ooh and this circle.. is also dedicated to maranatha, ip01, debate, wensi, alex and MICHELLE!!!!

simplicity?

2004-06-17T16:20:00.000+08:00

if you love someone,
put their name in a circle,
instead of a heart.
because hearts can break,
but circles go on forever.

where is my circle?

stuck

2004-06-17T16:04:00.000+08:00

yet another of those intriguing songs that so aptly describe what i am feeling.

Stacie Orrico - Stuck

I can't get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way
To leave this love behind

[Bridge:]
I ain't trippin
I'm just missing
You know what I'm saying
You know what I need

You can't be hanging on a string
While you make me cry
I try to give you everything
But you just gave me lies

[Bridge]

[Bridge 2:]
Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I'll be wishing you will call me on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothing I can do..
I'm such a fool
For you

[Chorus:]
I can't take it
What am I waiting for?
I'm still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could be for
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinking of you [last time x2]
It's true
I'm stuck on you

Now love's a broken record that's
Been skipping in my head
I keep singing yesterday
Why we've got to play these games we play?

[Bridge]

Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I'll be wishing you will call me on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool

[Chorus]

[Bridge 2]

[Chorus]

past

2004-06-15T18:52:00.000+08:00

all i wanna do,
is to hold you,
and not let you go.

all i wanna do,
is to tok to you
and just have you listen

all i wanna do,
is to noe tht ur out there,
tht your okie.

all i wanna do,
is to hear your voice,
again.

all i wanna do,
is to hang on to you,
and tell you tht it hasn;t changed.

all i wanna do,
is to go forward,
and nv go baq.

and yet.

all i wanna do,
is just to say,
i love you.

but ur not there.
ad all i see is your shadow,
all i hear is the past.
all i feel is the emptiness,
all i love has turned to dust?

or so it seemed.
for you have gone.
while i still hold on.

inside my head

2004-06-15T18:29:00.000+08:00

i had a really hard time the past few days... it's so hard... ytd was bad... relle bad... oh wells. right now i am messed up. all the way inside. i dunno what i want. i mean yea... i waited hell long to see him... and yet when i do i just torture myself... it's so painful.. and this is like a torture, all over again.. when i dun see him.. i miss him. when i do, i feel nth but pain..
so ytd went like tht.
i was suppose to, by instruction from adrian poon... to lead the meeting... so he had to suan me bout his bro.. not a good time.. noe when it is bloody hurtin like hell. i am quite sure he isn't over me yet....i dno what to do... i dun wanna handle this. in fact i hate handling relationships in this form... especially when you alr made it bloody clear.. yea. thts how much it sux.i doubt he noes tht its so painful.. but yea...
so dun with tht. now the next thing.. i walk to church.. cos i am gonna play badminton.. and guess who i should bang into at the traffic junction... yea.. i noe.. he was on the opp side of the road... and it was well weird.. i couldn't even choose to walk away.. when i first so him.. i was like it couldn't be. and when it became clear tht it was... well.. i dunno... it's very drama.. i tot stuff like this onli happen in movies... you noe. bangng into old ex-s in the middle of a road.. especially an ex you happen to be in love with. i dunno if i should laugh or cry... frankly.
and then there is the meeting later tht day... i had a huge fight with my mum.. and all tht stuff... and the i go to the meeting.. meet grouchy pple... which is fine and all..
yea.. but then pple have to start tokin bout ip all over again... thanks alot aaron.. you noe howmuch i hat eit.. well no you dun.. but it hurts like hell everytime someone has to say it... especially from you.. and you ure damn hell noe why..yup... and like the whole njc ip thing starts... not tht i wasn't alr put off by a certain public display of affection.. which i frankly dno what i am. jealous.. angry or.... well yea.. ironic tho.. tht after the whole thing. when i look back at the whole thing, i cannot help but wonder.. what happened if it was'nt me tht he was sellin baloons with... if it was amanada... after all it was suppose to be me and amanda at the beginning... so well.. i just went one big circle.. seriously huge circle... or rather he did... argh.. but still. it is painful..
hell... so i am jealous.. yet again. and i have no right to. and probably the only thing tht is holding me baq from spilling every thing to him, is the fact that, in the words of patrick... i dun wanna be the adrian poon to his bro.. doesnt make sense? well perhaps.. but then again.. this is how it works when the poons are involved.. and i mean it.. altho it's a weird love triangle.. and all.. hia.x.. sad.. rather.. why carn the whole thing just work out in the beginning? but this is HIS will.. and i carn do nething... i just noe tht he has a bigger plan... but for now.. i wish someone could relieve this pain.

summer sunshine.. and yet another irony..

2004-06-10T23:58:00.000+08:00

half a year... more than tht.. 7 months.. and this whole thing is still bugging me.. somehow i hate myself.. yah know? it's not tht this is a bad thing at all.. just tht puh-lesse.. i should have moved on rite.. the thing is i have... so now ur confused... gosh.! now you understand how i feel.
as i have sayed b4.. figured this out ages ago.. thanks to some stroke of brilliance( imust say one of those rare occasions) and thru god's grace... yup.. mostly thru him.. i figured smth out.. oh yipee!! and tht is.. i have moved on.. no turning back.. perhaps because i have changed... i guess i have grown older.. its so weird.. i feel like i am fifty... and after seeing the world thru a different light... my priorities have changed... my life has changed.. and yet somethings nv change.. like say my love for him...
it's almost like i've gotten a whole new lease of life... and then i go banging into him.. and falling in love all over again.. sigh..

summer sunshine.. it's sucha weird song. time frame's the exact opposite..and yet feelings completely the same.. sigh... what an apt song... oh well...

summer sunshine

I feel it's changing, I stay the same

I'm... a solo cello outside a chor-us

I've got a secret,

It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm

Just sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings

In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven

Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted

Are you taking me home?

You tell me you have to go...

[chorus]

In the heat of summer sunshine

I miss you like nobody else

In the heat of summer sunshine

I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

Now that you've left me, there's no retur-ning

I keep comparing, you're always win-ning

I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted

Will you make me at home?

Don't tell me you have to go...

irony

2004-06-10T12:06:00.000+08:00

geez.. there is smth weird bout this blog, and the name of it... the blig is dull and yet the title is so.. bright.. heex.. i guess thts how i am feeling now.. brite on the outside... daRK and depressed on the inside... or perhaps i am confused... tht wld explain the two extremities:)

lamentations1

2004-06-09T21:00:00.000+08:00

i hurt.. all over again.. and it's becoming irrepressible.. now i am confused. as in seriously confused.. i dunno why.. i dunno what. i am confused with love. or the notion of it. and yet.,. i let it go on for so long.. cos i noe i still love him... but ..
why?? i noe it's gettin harder. i dunno how on i can last. i dno how long more i can hold on. it hurts.. and now.. i have a secret that i have shut up for long enough.. and you noe how good i am at keeping secrets!!
but still it's getting stronger.. and i am missing him all over again.. i dun understand. i cried last nite.. and i dunno why. i think i feel so choked up. and yet i dunno what to do.. i wanna tell him.. but i am afraid to disturb him?? i guess its like he seems happy.. and i dun wanna disrupt him.. and i fear that if i do say anything, the awkwardness will become worse.. but if i dun...its eating me up inside.. and it hurts.. all over again. like when we first broke up./. what am i to do? i relle am lost... then again.. what do i have to lose? if i do speak.. i am trying to way.. but i dunno if i should? i am too blur rite now.. too involved in the whole thing.. too boiled down by this whole thing... and i dunno what to do....

i wanna republish this poem:

-whispers-

tell me softly,

tenderly embrace me,

i remember,

i wish i had not,

did not give up,

or did I?

Was that love?

or not?

i did not hold

on to you,

i let you go

let you fly

i think

it was right.

And yet somehow,

why does something so right,

feel so wrong?

i have moved on,

have i not?

but why then do i not forget,

and desire sometimes

to hold you?

is this human?

or the nature?

they flow on

Is this why?

i cannot seem,

to move on,

because,

i still love you